| Depersonalization, bad movies, and saying Grace. |
[Jul. 11th, 2008|01:50 am] |
I think I am depersonalized. Maybe. Christine once wrote “thanks for being such a good listener” on a Christmas card to me, and I was glad that she thought that about me. But now people talk to me and I find myself...zoning out a lot. Sometimes, I even get bored. AND I def. lose sight of the significance of things sometimes. Now all this I realized after watching half of the movie ‘Numb’ with Matthew Perry—now I only watched half because it was insufferable. I’m not very good with movies about privileged white people with intangible problems, par example, the peer-acclaimed ‘Into the Wild’, which I also could not finish.
And yes, I do realize the irony of becoming one of these movie characters I cannot stand in suspecting that I have Depersonalization disorder. Anyways, Sarah, the summer student in my lab, my sunshine on a cloudy day (the cloudy day being my dreary lab), suggested that I have Intern’s Syndrome instead. Or that I am a hypochondriac—same diff.
No, no, Mr. Anonymous Commentator of my previous entry, I know it is not right to speak lightly about medical disorders. But please allow this pauper her cheap therapy. Writing helps me organize my thoughts, generate awareness about problems, and then hopefully they’ll go away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyways so I had lunch today with Grace, my friend Sam’s friend from Duke who is also going to Emory. She brought a friend along, and before we started eating, she led us in saying grace. Now I usually mutter a little prayer under my breath before meals, but never do it out loud, because I’ve never had that kind of relationship with my friends. Sam has always been very good at sharing fellowship with all his friends, but for me, usually I have my ‘church friends’ and then I have my ‘school’ friends.
Maybe such a dichotomy in my life is just another phenomenon of D.C. life. In college, for instance, my roommates were all very spiritual, strong Christians, so I guess it’s my fault to not have joined a Fellowship at Clemson. Unfortunately, Matt is even less ‘active’ than I am, which could be a problem. I either need someone strong to lead me or, better yet, need to become stronger in my faith myself so that I can lead him and others. Yikes! |
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| Still awkward and retarded! |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|11:05 pm] |
So I met my friend's cousin today who came to visit from Peru. When we were introduced the cousin actually got up out of his seat at lunch and hugged me. I know by now that's just what South Americans and Europeans like to do. But of course, I was all awkward about it, me being a stiff, cold Chinese person in whose culture kissing (hand-holding, even) between husbands and wives still raises eyebrows.
So I tell this story to my friend Andrea, and she said to me, "you should have had something to drink first then maybe you would have kissed him, too." Ouch! She cracks me up.
Sadly she left for AZ Monday and I'll probably never see her again. That's true of most of the people I've met this year. I won't see any of them ever again! All we have will be some bad pictures and good memories, I guess. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2008|02:40 pm] |
I'm almost done with DC--overall a worthy experience, but I'm glad I'm done with it. The thing with being 'out in the real world' as opposed to college is that you don't have as much choice as to what friends you have. It's fun meeting diverse people for a while, but companionship is hard to find. I think in some ways, I really treasuring my friends from the past, too, the "gold" ones, according to that well-known aphorism.
BTW this entry took me over a period of an hour something to write, going back and forth between work and my Mac. Currently, my PI is sitting behind me, and I'm not even trying to look productive. I'm sipping on a styrofoam cup full of luke-warm, watered-down coke, I've got on headphones, and on my screen are Livejournal, Pandora, and Gchat. So what?! I get stuff done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2008|04:52 pm] |
So I read SDN once in a while when I'm not doing much at work. Now and then there would be a post about poop hot dogs or whatnot and that would entertain me for a good minute. Today, I thought this was funny: 'You know you're a neurotic premed when you have a dream about getting your first acceptance to med school, then you wake up and realize it was a "wet" dream'. Haha! Mine have been about getting this and that amount of money from med school.
Another funny thing that I want to remember from this weekend (in Clemson!) was Matt drinking about 6 Cokes at Rockhopper's Trivia Night and the fidgeting, sweating, rocking back and forth, and making stupid/funny comments the rest of the night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|04:57 pm] |
"Still in peaceful dreams I see
The road leads back to you
I said Georgia,
Ooh Georgia, no peace I find
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind."--Ray Charles
Not much else is going on. This is a good blog. |
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| Urgent Update! |
[Mar. 24th, 2008|03:01 pm] |
...just kidding.
1. I got into Georgetown, but Matt doesn't want the Lockheed Job, so it's probably still Emory for me. They're both expensive schools, so not much of a choice in the financial department, but Atlanta would be cheaper to live in, and Emory has a gorgeous new building whereas Georgetown students crawl around like rodents in the basement. But we'll see... I should also get working on that NYU letter. I could stand to gain a little attitude from the Big Apple.
2. Ting + family came to Baltimore to visit! We met up in DC, shuffled through each other's stuff, reminisced over old pictures, watched an episode of the Korean drama 'Full House' on Youtube, and slept over on the floor. Just like old times. Then next morning we visited JHU, which was largely unproductive except that we spotted many future husband candidates for Ting. HAHA so funny so funny.
3. Matt visited for his spring break this past weekend. Thursday we went out to pizza with my summer lab-mates, then Karaoke at Barking Dog. Friday I was pretty pooped so I made lasagna and we watched Greek, American Dad, and played Scrabble. Saturday we saw 'The Other Boleyn Girl' (complete tripe), went out to Ibiza with friends, and then ate late at McDonald's. Sunday my parents visited me in Bethesda after I sent Matt home, and we took naps in my room and ate at Penang, which I like.
4. Unfortunately I am now sitting back at lab trying to get my cloning to work for the 4th time. 1st my primers were too long, 2nd time the enzymes for the double digest are not that compatible, 3rd time everything pretty much worked except one of the new enzymes I chose cut the insert as well (dumb mistake). Boohoohoo, I'm a terrible scientist. So, I start anew. Wish me luck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2008|02:24 pm] |
I am no longer anxiously awaiting for mail/email from medical schools. The path is paved and straight and narrow and it leads to ATL, the "dirty dirty". UNLESS of course Georgetown doesn't throw my LOI into the trash but instead takes me seriously and calls me sometime in the next week...
By the way Matt got a job offer at Lockheed Martin in D.C., which is the only reason I would want to go to there, and for now I am not certain that is enough of a reason. Haha who am I kidding I don't have to worry about that yet because it's not even an option.
Oh my. In other news, life has been veddy veddy goot. The NHLBI retreat is next week so I will be spending Thursday and Friday in Annapolis, getting fed and sleeping away through poster and Powerpoint presentations. I've been going to the usual places with the usual people on Fridays and home to Baltimore Sundays. Matt visited me two weeks in a row and is visiting again during his spring break. Other than that, no other major developments. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2008|10:23 pm] |
I feel like maybe I should do something else for a year then apply to grad. school...
Everyone I know who is doing so seems to have such a easy time getting free paid-for trips and hotels and drinks to go visit all these wonderful places.
Then they find out right away if they get in.
One particular friend got offered a stipend of $27,000.
Once in med. school, I have a feeling that such feelings would only persist and metastasize into bitterness... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|04:38 pm] |
I am a people-pleaser. Matt pushes for what he wants. Now does that work for us or not? I am not sure. I think maybe that difference is a good thing, because at least he is always clear about where he stands. I don't have to tip-toe or play guessing games with him.
Recently, I had dinner with two friends. I ordered a mango salad, which, counter-intuitively, was too spicy for me. One of my friends sincerely insisted that I take his yummy Pad See Ew while he ate my salad. SO nice. Would Matt do that? He would have probably to get me to like him. I know he would now, too, if I asked him to but would also complain and make fun of me later. That's good?
Anyways, I get to see him this weekend for Valentine's Day/his birthday. Now I gotta go shop for food and presents and find something fun to do. Yay? Yay! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|04:28 pm] |
Woohoo, paper from college research finally got published! 'Tis good, 'tis good.
Matt is finally gone. It was fun, and I miss him, but he was a handful, too. Maybe it's better to spend my youth (20's) taking care of numero uno rather than a big kid husband plus 3 little monster kids like sometimes I envision myself doing. Anyways last night I had a dream that he was going to go to Georgia Tech while I went to Emory, and I felt REALLY happy. But in reality that doesn't seem like the case because he is too lazy to write their 3 essays.
So that's my professional and personal life. What else is there? Social? I pretty much avoided people this weekend and went home to Baltimore--can't seem to get my sleeping schedule back in order. I'm thinking of investing some money in online poker but before that I think I'll study up on it and play a couple of games with no real chips like on Yahoo Games or something. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2007|03:01 pm] |
Matt got into Carnegie Mellon (Tepper)'s MBA program today. This is good for him because it's his first choice, but I feel sucky. Most likely, if I were to go to medical school next year I would be at Emory, which is worlds away from Pittsburgh. We have talked about me deferring for a year and finding a job in Pittsburgh but NOBODY except Matt thinks that's a good idea. It is selfish of him to ask me to do that, but it would also be selfish of me to expect him to follow me around (although for business, working for a while before doing an MBA is actually a plus. It doesn't hurt for medicine either, actually, but try telling that to my parents).
So pretty much after my schools make decisions either I or Matt will have to make some scary decisions about us. I think neither of us is going to die if we are not together, but. It will still be sucky.
We will know by January most likely, March at the latest. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|02:12 pm] |
1. I smell bad. Last time I showered was Saturday. Every now and then I get a whiff of myself and it ain't roses I smell, I tell ya.
2. Saturday we had girls night out--went ice skating in the outdoors rink by the National Art Gallery and then watched Love Actually at Andrea's. So fun!
3. A monkey can do my job. Or a robot. |
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| CAUTION: icy road ahead |
[Dec. 7th, 2007|11:09 am] |
Monday night Matt's stopover flight from IAD to GSP was canceled, even though all other flights were just delayed, so I go to see him for about 7 hrs. It was nice. He is coming up to visit next week and then we are going up to NYC Sunday before my NYU interview. Yay! It'll be fun.
Meanwhile, this week at work has been slack, mainly because my post-doc is throwing hissy fits and being paranoid that everybody else in the lab is out to get him. Who knew research would be such a cut-throat field? Get over it people, it's just work, NOT life.
Today my mom's car slipped on some ice while she was turning and she ended up facing traffic on the other side of the road. Fortunately, there were no other cars at that time and she got to work safely. Thank God! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|10:24 am] |
I hate interviewing. I'm a nice person. Really, I am. I can be competent. So what does it matter if I can tie my background, reasons, and goals together in a neat little bow? It doesn't matter. What does 45 minutes prove? That I can bull in complete sentences? Tell a coherent story? "A nice little narrative huh? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? But in the end the character is richer for the experience?"
But anyways, the point is that interviews suck. I feel like I get judged the moment I walk into the door, or when I say I went to Clemson University. I didn't think it would matter but it does. Then I start inserting random words into my sentences like "I really love--PASSION!--teaching". Urrrrgh!
Oh well. We'll wait and see. That should be the motto of this whole process--wait and see. |
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| 3 wrongs do make a right |
[Oct. 22nd, 2007|12:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
1st mistake: Making too much gel (300 ml, when I only needed 150)
2nd mistake: Dropping the hot agarose gel container after taking it out of the microwave, losing ~100mls
3rd mistake: Pouring the gel when it was too hot so that the tape melted and gel leaked out, losing ~50 mls
Miraculously, I ended up with the right amount for the plate, not that it matters.
Life has a funny way. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|12:07 pm] |
Someone crossed out the "Do Not" in the "Please Do Not Forget to Flush" sign in the bathroom by my lab. Real mature, NIH scientists.
This weekend I did squat. I went to two bars downtown Bethesda to chill with Andrea and Mark Friday night, then spent the rest of the weekend at home in Baltimore.
Last weekend I went down to Clemson, which was a lot of fun. It's hard not to have a good time with Matt when we are together, face to face, goofing around. He "made" me tiramisu, turkey bacon (which I didn't eat cuz I went to lunch with Jill instead), and rented Shark Tales, our first movie.
I went downtown for the first time, but since it was Saturday night, all the places closed at 12 except for Tigertown Tavern, which was populated by unattractive frat people I didn't recognize. I hung out with Jimmy and co. a little there, which was the best part about that excursion I guess.
This weekend I am going to Clemson again. I have an interview at Emory Friday and am spending the rest of the weekend at Clemson. But first, I have to finish up my work and many many errands! |
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| It's like watching paint dry, water boil, mice bleed . . . |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|03:03 pm] |
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Essays are not ways for adcoms to get to know people better, but are just opportunities to say something stupid or cheesy that will turn them off from an otherwise statistically acceptable candidate. Same goes for interviews. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2007|01:14 pm] |
Who am I? Where am I? What am I? Why am I? How am I? When am I? Will am I?
More importantly, how do I format my list of sources for the review I am helping Toren write? He doesn't need any help. This is for my educational and professional benefit.
Also important, oh please please medical schools give me some interviews. I'm here gasping for some hope that I won't be stuck here another year. Even though I love it here and am having a lot of fun, I am also feeling a lot of guilt about it and my brain is turning into slush. |
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